So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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