Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
