it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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