I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
We left an ass print on the piano.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
