he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
where am i from again
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
