i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Dicks are not precious.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
