i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
