You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Randomize
