I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
