can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
