I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
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