just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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