also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
