Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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