you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
