Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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