I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
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