Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
