you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
