3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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