It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
look no pants
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
