the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
