I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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