I hate all girls vehemently.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Randomize
