Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
