Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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