how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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