the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
