Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Randomize
