I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
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