apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
