When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You were trust falling into bushes
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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