thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
