Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
