I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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