Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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