one two three fourrrrnication!
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
