My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
