hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
