Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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