Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
