i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
