i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize