You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
