He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
