Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
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