Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize