I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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