Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
