i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
The feeling are messing with the penis
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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