i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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