Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Girls should come with a carfax report
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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