I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
