This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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