U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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