The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
