I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize