fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
