Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
