haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
