the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
