I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
