Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
