I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
