How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
