i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
