You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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